I have always shared how becoming a mother helped me with accepting the childhood trauma of losing of my mother. For almost 10 years, I had not yet healed from losing my mother at the age of 16 years.
Those years were the most painful ones of my life, riddled with regret, hurt, disappointment, and confusion?
How do I continue to live without my source? My mother.
From attempted suicides, missed birthdays, and guilt, I could not understand what I did to deserve such pain.
I then became a mother and my daughter helped me put things into perspective. She passed away in 2008 and I became a mother in 2017.
For the first time in my life, I knew all too well that my mother would not want me to hold on to so much sadness. When I die, I want my daughter to know that I love her and that it is okay for her to truly LIVE.
And I did. I started LIVING, and it has been amazing.
Now, I am going through a journey of healing from the absence of a man I loved more than life itself; my father.
My mother and father separated shortly after my birth. I was raised by his big sister, and he came and went like a bad rash. A Rolling Stone I call him. Then in my teen years, we created some form of relationship, but it was a few weeks before he passed.
The abandonment and disappointment my father put me through has created a trauma of fearing the same happening to my daughter. Even with an ever-present father in her life, I still fear her being subjected to any kind of pain.
Subsequently, I have made my husband feel like he is not doing enough as a father. I have intervened in their relationship too much and that needed to stop.
For almost three years, I have made my husband pay for the sins of a man he never even had the opportunity of meeting.
Conscious living required me to investigate why I feel the way I do the moment my husband gets too busy to pay attention to the baby. The feelings I felt were becoming too toxic, and I could see what my reaction was doing to him.
Now I know, and now I am being intentional about celebrating him as a father and allowing him to define what that is for him, not for me. I am also allowing us to teach each other as much as we can.
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I’ve recently had to tap into really deep parts of myself to investigate something. My father’s absence has made me so scared for my daughter. I never want her to feel ignored or neglected, cause I know what that does to a girl. Therefore, I am trying to box this wonderful man into a box of parenting that has nothing to do with him or my daughter, but everything to do with me. I cried when this hit me, cause it sucks when you think you’ve healed from something, just to realize that it’s been driving your behavior without you even knowing it. I am learning to step back and allow them to have their own relationship without my intervention. He is wonderful father that would climb over mountains for his daughter. And I need to stop making him pay for my father’s sins. We live and we learn 🥺🙏🏾
Our childhood traumas, most times, are in charge of our behaviors and decision making. Taking control of that is not always easy, but it is worth it. We are all dealing with some form of childhood trauma. So many of us carry the trauma of an absent dad. We might not be aware of how the trauma translates into our lives right now, but I pray that one day we do.
I am still healing, and looking forward to the rest of the journey.
We think we are raising our children, meanwhile, our children are raising us.